


Dueling Narrators

by writing_in_the_dark



Category: Gintama
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, M/M, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-02-08 07:12:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12859458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_in_the_dark/pseuds/writing_in_the_dark
Summary: Gintoki wants to tell you the story of how he made Hijikata fall for him. However, Hijikata is here as well, and he takes exception to some of the details of Gin's recollection of events.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Gintama fic. I eat, sleep and breathe Gintama at this point, so I am honored to be able to share this story with my fellow fans.

 

Hey, you.

_Who, me?_

Yeah, you.

_Don’t talk to me, dipshit. I’m still mad at you about what happened this afternoon._

You, on the other side of that screen.

_…Huh?_

I know you’re there.

_So…you aren’t talking to me, then?_

What’s that? How does Gin-san know that you’re there, you ask?

_Who asked that? Who are you talking to?_

Well, you came here looking for stories about _Gintama’s_ handsome main character boning the demon Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi, didn’t you?

_WHAT?!_

You’re in luck, because I’m well on my way to doing just that.

_What the…?! No, you fucking aren’t, you idiot!_

You see, today, your beloved main character, Gin-san, got that mayo freak to fall in love with him.

_You…! You did no such thing! I’d sooner take a direct hit from Sougo’s bazooka than fall in love with you, you bastard!_

It all started at lunch, when I went to get the food of the gods: the Uji Gintoki-don.

_Hey, dumbass. Can you even hear me?_

I had barely taken a bite when I noticed that two seats over, Hijikata-kun was eating the same disgusting thing he always eats: the Dog Food Special.

_You can’t hear me, can you? Fine, idiot. Tell the story the way you remember it._

Smoothly, without saying a word, I captured his attention.

_Huh?! You intentionally bumped my elbow and made me drop my chopsticks!_

He turned toward me, and I could see passionate lust in his eyes.

_You need to learn the difference between ‘passionate lust’ and murderous intent._

I gave him the same look in return.

_You looked at me with dead fish eyes and picked your nose._

We finished our meals in silence, and I waited patiently to make my move on him.

_We argued and screamed at each other, just like we always do when we’re at that restaurant at the same time._

He left the restaurant, and I casually followed him, but I trailed far enough behind him that he didn’t notice me.

_We left because the owner kicked us out for fighting! And you were anything but casual. You hid behind dumpsters and electrical poles, zipping from one to the next like a cartoon character. A blindfolded toddler would have noticed you!_

A little bit at a time, I closed the distance between us. Once I finally stood in front of him, I became nervous that he might reject my feelings.

_You sprinted to catch up with me, then you stopped dead in your tracks right in front of me and kept me from walking. Every time I tried to take a step, you kicked me in the shin!_

But when I looked in his eyes, his desire for me was evident. He was the one to initiate physical contact, gently taking my hand in his.

_Yeah, I had the ‘desire’ to arrest you for stalking and assaulting a police officer, Shiroyasha! I took your hand so that I could slap handcuffs on your wrist, you criminal!_

Feeling embarrassed to be doing such things in public, I tried to pull away from him, but his desire for me was too great; he wouldn’t let me go.

_I couldn’t let you go, even if I had wanted to, because I had handcuffed your wrist to mine. I wanted to haul you into Shinsengumi HQ and interrogate you! I know you’ve been aiding Katsura._

His one hand still holding mine, he reached his other hand up to caress my face. My face reddened at his display of affection.

_Your face ‘reddened’ with your own blood when I ‘caressed’ it with the butt of the handle of my sword. You were trying to escape police custody!_

Without directly saying so, I let him know that I wanted to continue what we were doing in private. He said he wanted the same, and we walked, hand-in-hand, to my place.

_You started yelling, “Help! Rape! Rape!” at the top of your lungs! I had no choice but to get you off the streets, before people started believing a Shinsengumi officer was doing that sort of thing. Your place just happened to be closer than Shinsengumi HQ, or else I would have taken you there instead. And our hands were joined by handcuffs, dumbass!_

The second we were inside and I had closed the door, he was on top me.

_Yes, because you tripped backwards over a pair of shoes in the entryway. Since we were connected by handcuffs, you pulled me down with you as you fell._

He again caressed my face and mumbled sweet nothings to me. His hands were insatiable; they couldn’t get enough of Gin-san’s skin.

_If by ‘mumbled sweet nothings’ you mean I screamed at you for being a clumsy fucking dumbass, and if by ‘his hands were insatiable’ you mean I couldn’t stop pounding my free fist into your face, then yeah; that’s what happened._

I wanted it as bad as he did. My voice thick with lust, I asked him if he wanted to take things into my bedroom.

_You whined about being tired after lunch. You told me to shut up and get lost because you wanted to roll out your futon and take a nap._

Being a gentleman, he didn’t want to rush things. He delicately proposed that we sit on the couch instead.

_‘Delicately’? I believe my exact words were “get off the floor, you fucking moron, so I can stand up.”_

We continued to hold hands as we walked to the couch and sat down.

_We sat on the couch because you wouldn’t stop bitching about how bad you needed an afternoon nap._

I knew he wanted to take things slow, but I couldn’t hold back. I freed my hand from his and moved to get on top of him.

_I took the handcuffs off because my wrist was killing me after trying to hold your entire lazy-ass body weight when you fell. And the only part of you that was ‘on top of me’ was your head. You decided to use me as a lap pillow!_

He slowly ran his fingers through my hair.

_I grabbed that twisted silver mop you call ‘hair’ and pulled your head off of my lap!_

I looked into his eyes and could see that he wasn’t ready to take things any further today. An apology in his voice, he promised we would see each other again soon.

_I had to leave because I was afraid I was literally going to murder you! You’re right, though, I did promise we’d see each other again soon…so I can arrest you!_

As he walked out, I couldn’t help but smile.

_As I walked out, you laid down on your couch and started reading JUMP._

Sure, if I’d had my way, I would have spent the rest of the afternoon making passionate love to him.

_Lucky for you, I left your right hand intact. I’m sure you made ‘passionate love’ to it this afternoon._

But it’s okay, because now I can enjoy watching the love between us grow slowly.

_Huh? Were you reading shojo manga instead of JUMP? What is this sappy bullshit you’re spouting?_

He may be harsh or brusque sometimes, but I know he’s a good guy. I may not always show it, but that’s truly how I feel.

_...What?_

With everything I’ve experienced, I’m not sure I’m capable of being ‘in love’ anymore, but I genuinely care about him.

_What?!_

He’s been through some things too, and he’s very guarded emotionally. He may never admit out loud that he feels the same way about me, but in my heart, I know he does.

_…_

_…_

_Yorozuya…you idiot…I do care about you._

_…_

_…_

Aww! Do you mean it, Oogushi-kun?

_What the fuck? You heard that?_

I could hear you the whole time, tax thief.

_You sadistic bastard. I hate you!_

I love you too, Hijikata-kun.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gin-san is back, and he wants to tell you the next part of the story of getting Hijikata to fall for him. Hijikata is also here again, and he’s not falling for any of Yorozuya’s bullshit. That’s his plan, anyway.

Hey, hot stuff.

_Don’t talk to me like that! You say things like that, and some people are stupid enough to believe you and I are actually a couple._

You there, on the other side of the screen. You’re looking pretty sexy right now.

_Oh. This again._

Welcome back for another installment of ‘Gin-san Wins the Heart of the Demon.’

_You’ve given your bullshit a name? Why not call it ‘Yorozuya’s Sugar-Fueled Delusions’?_

I apologize for how long it’s taken to bring you the second installment, but I’m sure you found ways to keep yourself occupied. Maybe you killed some time by reading that doujinshi where Hijikata’s dick becomes detached.

_WHAT?!!_

I highly recommend that doujinshi. Unless you’re under 18. Or squeamish about…well, anything, really.

_What kind of perverted shit are you reading?_

I know, I know. I just reminded you of how badly you need to clear your browser history. I agree, you definitely need to do that, but before you do, let me tell you a story.

_The story better not involve my dick falling off._

If you’ll recall, the first installment of ‘Gin-san Wins the Heart of the Demon’ ended with Hijikata-kun confessing his true feelings for Gin-san.

_Now that I’ve had more time to think about it, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t care about you at all. I hope you die in a fire._

This time, I will tell the story of our first official date.

_Fuckin’… You are so full of shit. We have never been on a date, and we never will be._

I think Hijikata-kun wanted to keep the date casual, because he asked me to meet him at a bar last Friday night.

_No. We just happened to run into each other at a bar last Friday night._

I’m not a fancy guy, so I actually prefer a bar to dinner at some uppity restaurant.

_Are you seriously going to continue on with the story like you can’t hear me? Fine. I’m sure whomever you’re talking to has figured out that your stories are complete fabrications, so keep talking._

Since it was only our first date, I thought we would probably sit at the bar, but Hijikata-kun wanted some more privacy, so he had us sit at one of the booths in the back.

_I sat at a booth in the back because I wanted to be alone. Things didn’t go the way I wanted, though, just like they never do when you’re around._

I started to sit down on the side of the booth opposite of him, but he insisted that we sit on the same side.

_I didn’t even know you were there until you had already sat down next to me. I would have left, but I couldn’t get out of the booth, with you in my way._

My biggest hope for the date was that I would get to know Hijikata-kun better. It was hard to get him to talk about himself, but over the course of the date, he finally opened up to me.

_I complained about Sougo trying to kill me in the middle of a raid, but I don’t think that counts as ‘opening up.’_

I also have a hard time opening up, but he was so sweet and kind, I felt like I could trust him with my feelings.

_I elbowed you in the face, as ‘sweetly and kindly’ as possible, in hopes that you would leave. And you did cry in front of me, but it was about how much you lost playing mah jongg the night before._

We were both nervous at the start of the date, but after some drinks and sharing our feelings, we felt more comfortable with each other. He even told me I should call him Toshi instead of Hijikata-kun.

_May the gods help you, if you start calling me Toshi, I will make you bleed until you are nothing more than a husk._

I had hoped we could go somewhere after the bar, but I had Kagura at my place, and the Shinsengumi barracks are off-limits for that kind of thing. I was tempted to suggest a love hotel, but our relationship means too much to me to taint it with an encounter at that kind of place.

_Be glad you didn’t actually suggest going to a love hotel, because then the night would have ended with me having to arrest myself for your murder._

I was sad for our first date to end, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before we saw each other again. We bid each other goodnight and went our separate ways.

_You guzzled down the rest of your drink, and then you guzzled down the rest of my drink, and then you stood up and said, “Thanks for the drinks, Oogushi-kun.” You walked out and stuck me with your bar tab!_

I walked home, thinking back on our first date. It had been everything I hoped for.

_Sadly, it was everything I knew it would be, once I saw your stupid face sit down next to me._

I checked in on Kagura and Sadaharu, who were both sound asleep. I thought about going to bed myself, but I was still too excited about going out with Toshi for the first time.

_Hey, idiot! What did I just say about you calling me Toshi?_

I went back out. A few hours later, as I headed toward my third bar of the evening, I was lucky enough to run into Toshi again.

_Like hell you did. I’m pretty sure I would remember that._

I’ll be honest; Toshi was really drunk. He might not even remember us running into each other again.

_Don’t use my words against me! Hey, ‘person of the other side of the screen’ or whatever, you shouldn’t believe a thing he says._

He didn’t look like he’d be able to make it back to the barracks alone, so I offered to help him.

_If you think your lies will bait me into saying something stupid, you’re wrong. I won’t fall for that twice._

He could hardly walk. I put his arm around my shoulders and carried most of his weight. We made it fairly far before he told me he needed to rest. We stopped in the middle of an alley, and I noticed he had lost a sandal somewhere along the way.

_…_

Did it just get strangely quiet in here?

_…_

Oi, Second Narrator. Are you ok?

_…_

Bad news, person on the other side of the screen. I think the fourth wall just fell on Toshi and killed him.

_…_

Just kidding. I’m sure he’s not dead. He probably just got quiet because it has dawned on him that he woke up Saturday morning with no recollection of how he got back to his room or why he was missing a sandal.

_…_

No problem. We’ll just continue without him. Where was I? Oh, right. The alley.

_Wait!_

Hmm? You have something to add to the story, Second Narrator?

_Um…_

Um? Um what?

_Well…um…My memory about the later part of Friday night is kind of fuzzy. If something happened, I think we should talk about it privately._

You think something bad happened?

_I don’t know! I just don’t really trust you not to do something weird while I’m drunk._

Are you accusing me of taking advantage of you while you were inebriated? Toshi, you wound me. I’m a war criminal, not a sex criminal.

_I didn’t mean… I know you’re not like that. I was just worried… I, um, I’m glad to hear nothing happened._

Something happened, but I wasn’t the one who did it.

_Wh… Ummm… What are you saying? Are you saying I did something weird?_

Don’t worry, Toshi. You didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t enjoy. Sure, I was a little surprised when you put your hand--

_WAIT! STOP! … Please, Yorozuya… Can we please not talk about this right now?_

Sure, I understand. I’ve got the place to myself tomorrow night. Come over, and we’ll talk. Ok?

_Ok. Thanks._

And that’s the story of how I got Toshi to agree to come over to my place for our second date.

_You motherfucker! I knew you were bullshitting me again!_

Oh? Are you calling my bluff? Do you want me to finish the sentence you interrupted?

_… Tch … No…_

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

_You are such a piece of shit sometimes._

Well, sexy person on the other side of the screen, don’t forget to clear your browser history. And check out that doujinshi I mentioned earlier. And then clear your browser history again. Toshi, tell the nice person goodbye.

_I fucking hate you._

I love you too, Toshi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to LeMayora for giving me the idea of doing a sequel. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I take zero responsibility if you go find the doujinshi Gin-san mentioned and are traumatized by it.

**Author's Note:**

> Gintoki the troll king.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
